Random rambling

By twenty-five I was supposed to be living on my own, done with school, firmly set in my career choice, an award winning writer, and possibly married with a kid or two.

At twenty-six I am living with my parents, I have at least another semester of school left, I work as a cashier, I can't seem to finish anything I start writing, and I'm painfully single.

I swear I didn't think I'd start losing my hair until I was at least forty, I can't stop thinking about how I'm not as thin as I used to be, I'm not sure if I hate driving on the highway because the other drivers make me nervous or because being around so many other people just makes my social anxiety kick in, I'm worried the cup of coffee I drink in the morning is going to give me heart problems when I'm older, I'm worried that the fact that my room's a mess and all I ever seem to do all day is lay in bed and watch YouTube videos is a sign that I'm about to enter a strong depression, I'm afraid of becoming one of those old lonely men that tell you their life story while waiting in line at the grocery store, I'm afraid I'm going to become complacent with my current place in life, I'm afraid of becoming more and more cynical and jaded, I'm worried that my over worrying is going to give me health problems in the future, I think I think too much.

Vicious cycle

I can't sleep because I can't stop thinking about how I've been feeling kind of depressed lately, and the more I think about it, the more down I feel, and I know I'll probably feel better after a good night's sleep, but I can't sleep because I can't stop thinking...

Thoughts I have while getting ready for work

I really don't want to go in today. I kind of have a headache, maybe I should call out. I hate calling out though. It's always so awkward, and half the time I get the feeling that the managers think I'm just doing it so I can go to the beach or nurse a hangover. I don't even like the beach. There's something about the sight of all that ocean that just makes me nervous. I'm always expecting a tidal wave or Godzilla or something to come up out of it. I hate how fake I always feel at work. I smile, and greet customers with a soft and inviting voice, and I feel like an actor. A really shitty actor. I smile, I make small talk, and laugh at their unfunny/sexist/racist/uncomfortable/in poor taste jokes in the hope that they'll leave faster, but they never leave fast enough. I can never tell anymore if I'm ever smiling because I'm happy or if it's just because I don't want to look like a dreary melancholy asshole. I should've written today. I've been stuck at fifty five pages for a month. I could write after work, but that never seems to work out. I always just end up watching YouTube. Why are my damn headaches always behind my left eye?! I get it's sinuses, but why are the sinuses behind my left eye so much easier to clog than my right? I really hope work isn't busy today.

Damn it!

I accidentally deleted all my previous posts. Good thing there was only three of them. I still feel pretty disappointed that they're gone though. I thought about trying to re-create them, but I don't think I could take that much self deprecation at once.