No es bueno

I sat in front of two "Bros" in my Spanish class today. They spent half the class looking up different ways to say "my girlfriend's hot" on google translator, and the other half trying to look up different ways to say "I have a fat dick." I really don't want to become a cynic. I don't want to be a blind optimist either, but cynicism is a disease that slowly rots the humanity out of a person. It is just so damn hard to be anything but when faced against "tengo un pene de grassa."

Eh

It's 4:15 am right now. I haven't slept. I think I'm writing this to avoid doing something stupid, like texting my ex. I'm a little bit down right now. I just found out that it's going to take an extra semester before I graduate. This doesn't seem like that big a problem, and it isn't really. It's just sort of demoralizing. I've grown to hate school. I can't stand the students, I feel too old and too cynical to carry on any sort of conversation with any of them. I don't like that feeling. I never wanted to feel old and cynical. Mainly it's the cynicism that bothers me. It's too damned late to be awake. These are the times that I miss having someone to lay next to in bed. There's so much comfort to be found in a woman's warm body pressed up against your own. The feeling of her resting heart, beating through her cotton tee, and her slowing breath, puffing out onto my chest, was able to trick my soul into believing that great lie we always tell each other whenever the world starts pushing down: everything's going to be alright, everything's fine. I miss that comfort tonight.

Insanity

If insanity is the norm, then crazy people would have to be considered sane. So, I've been thinking about checking myself into an insane asylum in order to protest the insanity of the entire world. I just had a man walk into the liquor store I work at, and ask me to recommend a good drink for his daughter. His daughter was with him. She couldn't have been older than ten. I sold him a bottle of non-alcoholic margarita mix. I don't understand what's wrong with people. The human race has been won. The winner was psychotic. He now represents all of humanity.

Follow up

Three beers is all it took to get me drunk tonight. I used to be able to drink three double jack and cokes before feeling like this. I kind of miss my old tolerance level, but not what it took to reach it. Oh well. Drunken ramblings tonight.

Worth noting that I am slightly inebriated as I make this post. Only slightly though.

Why'd the waitress keep smiling at me? She didn't do that with the other guys. At least I don't think she did. She was probably after a nice tip. I gave her a nice tip too. Damn it. The waitress beat me. I've been thinking about writing about the reasoning behind wearing headphones constantly, while walking around campus. So, here goes: it's the equivalent of rolling up the windows when driving by a landfill. So many of my fellow students words only ever amount to garbage. Pretentious garbage sometimes, but still just garbage. Sometimes I wonder if, at the end of my life, I'll be able to count anyone as my friend besides dear old lonesomeness. Damn! I'm tired, and I work early tomorrow. I should get some sleep. It's already two hours later than I intended to stay up. To stay out. Good night.

Random rambling

By twenty-five I was supposed to be living on my own, done with school, firmly set in my career choice, an award winning writer, and possibly married with a kid or two.

At twenty-six I am living with my parents, I have at least another semester of school left, I work as a cashier, I can't seem to finish anything I start writing, and I'm painfully single.

I swear I didn't think I'd start losing my hair until I was at least forty, I can't stop thinking about how I'm not as thin as I used to be, I'm not sure if I hate driving on the highway because the other drivers make me nervous or because being around so many other people just makes my social anxiety kick in, I'm worried the cup of coffee I drink in the morning is going to give me heart problems when I'm older, I'm worried that the fact that my room's a mess and all I ever seem to do all day is lay in bed and watch YouTube videos is a sign that I'm about to enter a strong depression, I'm afraid of becoming one of those old lonely men that tell you their life story while waiting in line at the grocery store, I'm afraid I'm going to become complacent with my current place in life, I'm afraid of becoming more and more cynical and jaded, I'm worried that my over worrying is going to give me health problems in the future, I think I think too much.

Vicious cycle

I can't sleep because I can't stop thinking about how I've been feeling kind of depressed lately, and the more I think about it, the more down I feel, and I know I'll probably feel better after a good night's sleep, but I can't sleep because I can't stop thinking...